After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
