apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I touched a dick in church today
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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