I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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