On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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