I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
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I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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