Can Purell be used as lube?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
