Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
