I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
