I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
