just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Is it penis luge time yet?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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