i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
