My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
