I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
