You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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