the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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