3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
