Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
