First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
