First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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