my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
