I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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