I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls