So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.