So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
