dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
