I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
