he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
