matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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