hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
