Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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