gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
