Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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