Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
