The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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