His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
