i already hear my dad disowning me
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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