I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
