Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
