I wish I could punch you in the face.
I cockslap morals
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
