You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
