I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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