broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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