and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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