sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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