I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
