He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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