Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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