Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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