I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
