Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
