I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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