I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
