I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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