you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
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He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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