just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
