This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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