you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
